Megan took my girls to the Mayborn a few days ago and I finally chose to sit down and feel with God. I'm sitting in my house in silence and I told God I don't even know where to begin to open the seeming floodgate of emotions and thoughts. I decided to read back through all of my journals since this fertility journey began. I needed to see where God has been and the His promises He had spoken to me over the past 7 years. As I read, I saw the roller coaster of expectation and disappointment happen over and over in my life. As I began to accuse God and tell Him how uncaring I felt HE was to me, certain prayers I had written started jumping out at me through my tears. I saw promises He had fulfilled; prayers for my sisters and brother, my parents, others in my life. He has heard and answered. I saw countless times when I begged God for a word about biological children and every time He spoke, "I see you", "Trust me", "I have good things for you". He has been there EVERY SINGLE TIME. In every loss, every disappointment, every victory. He sees me. He carries me. He gives me the ability to choose HOPE and FAITH.
This is a picture of a page in my journal on March 28, 2011. We had heard about Zoey just a few days earlier and had begun to pray for her that God would rescue her and make a way for her to be in our family. She was not being cared for well and her birthparents were in and out of prison. There was no way at this time that they would have chosen adoption, but we began to pray for God's protection and a miracle over her little life. Little did I know that I was writing this on her 1st Birthday. I wrote in faith the name we would give her when she finally becomes ours over 4 years after I wrote this in my journal. "Zoey" means "LIFE" and "Elizabeth" means "PROMISE OF GOD" I had been praying off and on for 4 years that God would give her LIFE. It was HIS promise to her that He would give her LIFE! I don't know why it took 3 years for her to get to our arms, but I do know GOD ANSWERS PRAYERS! GOD SEES! Instead of question Him, I want to celebrate that He rescues, answers and brings life!
I don't know why God initiated this whole journey of surrogacy only to leave us in loss and disappointment again, but I do know that in the midst of it I want to grieve well and land in thankfulness for the gifts He has given us. Somewhere deep in me, I still have a glimmer of HOPE that He will surprise us and give us what we've asked for one day, but my expectations and emotions need to move on. My faith never has to move on in the deep places of my heart.
I am starting to see that this journey always was more about faith than the outcome. We believed God, we stepped out in that faith. There is always fruit when we choose faith. I am willing to be part of these amazing people whose names didn't get listed in Hebrews 11 but they spent their life believing God; a life of faith even though they never saw in this life what they believed for. It is my FAITH that God is developing... I am beginning to see glimpses of the beauty that God is bringing from the ashes of our loss. These are the true gifts.
FAITH... (Hebrews 11 MSG)
(1-2) The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It’s our handle on what we can’t see. The act of faith is what distinguished our ancestors, set them above the crowd.
(13-16) Each one of these people of faith died not yet having in hand what was promised, but still believing. How did they do it? They saw it way off in the distance, waved their greeting, and accepted the fact that they were transients in this world. People who live this way make it plain that they are looking for their true home. If they were homesick for the old country, they could have gone back any time they wanted. But they were after a far better country than that—heaven country. You can see why God is so proud of them, and has a City waiting for them.
I feel the nudging of God to continue to write our story, so if you'd like to continue to follow our journey, I will begin a new blog: TheMorganMoments.weebly.com very soon.
Thanks for all the prayers you've prayed for us, I KNOW it is the fuel that is allowing us to continue to choose HIM and not get de-railed with our bad news! He is so FAITHFUL!